Little Women to Soft Core Porn

So, I am assuming a well needed update is due. Haven't posted in quite a while,

because things have gone in a way different direction since I last blogged.

Lots and lots of things have changed.I'm trying to figure out which way to list

them. Ah holy cow! Who Care!

Here it goes...

I no longer reside in Beautiful Monrovia, California. I am in Lodi (Sacramento).

I left home to find my way and start off poor and work my way up. Because to

me that is the only way to do so. I need to struggle in order to get my shit

together. I need to build character and live my life my way. I can't stay home, in

Monrovia, and live my life there. Because it won't be my own, it will belong to my

family, my extended family,who can do nothing but not mind their own business.

I can't be fully free there, so I left.

And glad I am!

For it took courage to tell my own mother that I'm not coming home and that I

need to do this. I needto live my life as I please. Because God knows if I don't,

nothing will become of me.

I need the confidence in myself, I need to relay on myself and be fully responsible

for myself. I just can't go on longer living at home. Because I love it so dearly

and feel the best when I am there. Secure. But that security might never let me

leave and I don't want that.

I can't be what is expected of me, the worse. Not that I am doing this to prove

anything to anyone. but myself.

I need I need I need. To Live the way I Please.

In other news, I so dearly and passionately love the book Little Women. I've read

it many times but it never gets old for me and I adore the movie as well, the 1994

version. I realized Jo and Beth's relationship remind me of my sister and mine.

Her being quiet Beth and I , wild Jo. Great book and movie!

Also, today I went with Stephen and his sister to the Welfare office, while we

waited I was bored and trying desperately to entertain myself. Bex (Stephen's sister)

was on her Iphone playing with Apps and she warned to not look up bedtime

stories on there because you get ones for adults and not little kids. I laughed

and then decided I wanted to write a soft-core porn short story. So I took the

vanilla envelope I had filled with paper work and started to write this story. And

it was really good! Stephen enjoyed it and I thought hmm, maybe I could

do this for a living? A side job? How great that would be. I have millions of soft

porn stories in my head, waiting to "come" out.

So there, I shall do so.

Wish me luck.

Your Odd Friend,

Yvodka.

Undying lust

I fucken love this one. I've never been so vulnerable in my life, until I wrote this one.


My love is free
But you never promised to love me
Why can't I see the hate you breed?
Ok.ok I'l go away.....
But you know you'll be asking for more
My taste , your lips , my touch , your kiss
Can you ever forget it?
Late nights you think alone
The truth comes out
You want , I please
But pleasure isn't so much free
Remember you promised to never love me?
Then I see the selfishness you breed
But your lips , my taste , your touch , my kiss
Can I ever forget?
I wait alone , wait for your call
One more time won't kill anyone
Your guilt , my taste , your hands , my face
Can we ever forget?
So much for free love
My love ain't free
Your taste isn't the same
One more kiss , one more touch
So much for our
Undying Lust

Stay away from the acid

The dripping , the dripping
Your head is spinning , it's spinning
Where did she go? Up to heaven or down below?
Your heart is racing , mind contemplating
You need to find her heart beat........
FASTER , FASTER , you run
Stop the yelling it;'s not helping
Somebody please ..... no one is there
You're stuck in this maze
Find your way to her grave
Acid , Acid , Acid
You should stay away from the
ACID
You're crying , the crying
The tears of your best friend Dying
And there's nothing you can possibly do........
Acid , Acid ,
Stay away from the Acid

(Don't know why I wrote this or what I might have been on, but I like it)

UNLIVED

As far as where I stand with abortion, I am all for women having their choice, with their body. But for me, I could never, unless I was raped or something horrible along those lines. I don't know, I didn't know I could forsee the future. This ones for you J.


I never expected this
I always feared it
Against my morals
Against my god
I kill the unlived
Because they say I am too young
Instead of carrying you around
I'll bury you down
And cry in my closet
Because I know that I've lost it
And as you go , my innocences
Go with you
Because I killed the unlived
I killed a big part of me

My friend.

I wrote this about a friend back in 2005.


I wont go back. Back to the way I was when suicide was my every thought. When I hated to live and hated the thought of living on until it all ate me up. I tried so many times to end it but something held me back. So many days were consumed with ways to get out. Contemplating so much, crying until my eyes turned blood shot red. I refuse to go back in to that empty place. Where suicide was my only fate. Where the only choices were a shot to the head , a slice to the wrist , a noose for my neck , and the dreaded kiss of death. So I made the thoughts drown away with the happiness of others. I tried so hard to ignore the pain and make all my anger go away. I threw it all up and rid my heart of suicidal thoughts I sucked all the posionoius tar from my already dead veins . I threw away the pills and razors that once relived the pain. I cried the last of deadly tears and walked away from the last of my pains. Now im better living life a day at a time because I refuse to go back to that day to that time. When my only friend was suicide.

Frustrating

That people are so small minded. I no I should not be tripping but what the fuck. I can not help that I am an open person. And yes as you know I blog and say whatever I want and I always talk about my past. 

What is wrong with that? I have always been open about my life and past and yes sexual adventures. I am not a slut or a whore or easy. NONE OF THOSE.

No one is and for someone to judge for my sexuality then fine. I should expect it, especially when I openly talk about those things, but for someone to completely shut themselves from me because of it is a little insane. 

I like sharing my stories and shit. I won't apologize for that.

I just wish people would not judge me so fast.

I am an awesome person.

Master Debate

Some things you will never forget. Like you're first crush or you're first bike or the first time you ever discovered you had a vagina. And that rubbing it made it feel good. 

Nothing wrong with that. I think everyone should masturbate. It's natural and healthy. I remember I was young when i first discovered it. I was about 8 or 9. And it never occurred to me that I had a vagina and that it was a girl thing. I remember just wanting to know why it was there and what the purpose of it was. And then one night when my parents where asleep I watched this movie that had a sex scene and I saw that the guy was going down on the girl. And she liked it too! I was shocked. Scared and more than anything intrigued. I thought to myself..I want someone to do that to me. 

I was not ashamed at the time nor am I now. I was a growing girl who wanted to desperately feel that connection, I wanted to be in tune with my sexuality and my vagina. The first time I touched myself I felt awkward and like a total freak. I never orgasmed at the time, because I always stopped myself after a minute. 

I started having orgasms at the age of 11. There was this one song, I don't know what it was , but to me it was just sexy. And I use to listening to it on my tape player aka WALKMAN. And I would get off to it. I mean full on shaking orgasm. You guys know what I'm talking about! And I liked it, but felt dirty at first after. And I know now it was because no one ever told me it was okay to feel horny and turned on. I only heard of boys doing things but not girls. It just did not exist. 

But I was never the same after that first shaking orgasm. I was delighted that I could feel that way. And the funny part is that even years after, my best orgasms came from self loving. I guess you know yourself so well.

The one without a face.

So I'm sure everyone has had that one guy/girl who you dated for a good second. Well I did.
His Name was Kai. No last name has far as I am concerned. I hardly knew him and the only thing we did was make out and I gave the fool a bj. We only hung out once and I was pretty much in awe of him. Why? I'll tell you why. He was this Rockabilly/Punk Dude. Slicked back hair, six footer, nice tanned stomach. He was Island Pacifier. And to me he was a Punk God in some fucked up sense. Now that I think about it, it's all screwed up and what was I thinking. But I was only 17 at the time.

It started like this, my best friend (at the time) and me where going to our mutual friend Jasmine's house party, one city down. The real purpose was to meet two of our guy friends there, to well flirt and such. So arrived we did and so did they. So we are all having a good time, drinking our Smirnoff vodkas and flirting out silly seventeen year old hearts away. And I vaguely remember this guy, he was a typical punk. Jasmine, who is like a real life Betty Page but with far much bigger and yummier tits, is awesome. All her friends are punks, and honestly not mall punk. I mean in your face punk, do or die kind of shit. And I always love being around people like that.
Back to the dude, so he was whatever, he had some face paint shit on his face. His face was painted white with black around his eyes, or something. I can NOT remember, it was far too long ago and I am sure the drinking and smoking has fogged my memory a bit.
So, he was just a fly on the wall. I remember him sitting down on the couch next to my best friend Lauren, I was sitting on top of her, facing her. I guess the whole lesbian thing was our act. Especially to get the guys we were with flirting going. And he was just there, I remember just a few words where exchanged between us. BUT I do remember what I was wearing. A jean skirt, leggings and Pink Floyd jacket. So whatever, that was that and after the party, I never gave him a second thought.

A few months later, on the wonderful Myspace, I get this friend request, from this guy, who I have no clue is. In his default picture, it was a close up and he had a Mohawk that wasn't styled. No clue who this fool was, and the gold chain around his neck made me cringe a little. I accepted him and looked at this picture. And to my surprise it was the face paint dude. Random I thought. So a day later or so, we started messaging back and forth, on aim. And we hit it off. I mean we talked and talked on that shit for hours. He told me how he remembered me from the party , but I seemed too busy with the other people. I was like amazed that he remembered me at all. And eventually I gave him my number and he called, and again we talked for fucken hours. I remember we talked once from about 7pm to 7 am the next day, in which I had to get ready for school. It was amazing. He was a totally hottie from his pictures, without that face paint crap. And he was such romantic asshole. Like he was such an ass, to who ever else and why should I have cared? As long as he wasn't one to me. And he went on and on about his rebellion adventures and I ate that shit up man! It was fun and everything a girl could want. Who wouldn't want this Rebel swooning you over? He asked me to be his girlfriend in a round about way. Like "so what do you call this?" or some crap like that. GOD I wish I saved those damn conversations.

How happy I was that I had this God like Boyfriend and what a dream.

We had not hung out yet, so I told my parents I was going to my friend
s BBQ and so they dropped me off at this place. He lived in San Marino. Which is such a nice ass area, well off. My mom takes me and I was like "Of course, of all the nice houses, my friend's is the shittiest one". No seriously. What a dump. They had this huge RV in the front, mostly dirt then grass, the house looked like it belonged in Louisiana by the bayou. I feel bad now after I wrote that, it was just shitty compared to the other houses in the area. Not too bad I guess. But at the time, I thought it was so fucken punk rock. True Story.


Anyways, the inside was even crazier. I just remember boxes and boxes on top of each other, it reminded me of the episode of I love Lucy and she's hiding in the maze of boxes to get away from Ricky.

So back to it, I walk up to the door, his dad answers, He's huge. Tall as hell, but very nice. Then Kai comes out of the kitchen. With no shirt on. Wow. If his dad wasn't standing there, I would have humped his leg. Gorgeous. We hug and we go to his room. It's awkward to the core. How weird really. You've talked to his person for hours of your life and never actually talk in person. So it was weird, and I remember him showing me his playboy. I was like oh cool and flipping through them. He wanted me to see the jokes inside, I thought they where stupid, but I laughed anyways. And damn I was thinking to myself, when are we going to make out already, it would definitely make things more easy. I can't remember how, but we started making out for a while. After an hour or so of that, we go to the living room (I made it through the box maze) and watch his dad play some video game, I was fucken bored as hell. But I was just fidgeting with my phone. I remember him whispering things in my ear and how sweet he was. And how much I just wanted to be his forever.

We go back to his room, (first photo is him in his room, he was changing the music on his crappy computer) and started fooling around some more. I was on my rag and I never hated my rag so much. I was wanting to have sex with him so bad. Apart of me wanted the bragging rights and I want to say another part of me thought it would make him want me more. So fucked up for a 17 year old girl. But I am guessing that's a normal thing, which is sad. But we didn't. Instead I gave him the greatest blow job I ever given. Seriously, I had that bitch moaning. And I liked it.
The rest of the time was a lost memory, we talked and since he had such bad sleeping habits, he fell asleep, which left me laying beside him on his bed. I was a little relieved when my mom called say she was on her way. I woke him up, maybe kissed him, can't recall and left.
Last time I would see him.

He broke up with my a couple days later. It didn't really hurt me, I knew it would happen. After talking to him a few times after, I realized he has a problem. He never gives anyone a chance, I feel bad for him in a way. I do hope he finds someone eventually.

And all I really got out of it all, was a love bite. No seriously, the fucker bit me on my arm, while we were going at it and left this...

Not about Vodka.

I want so many tattoos.

I already have one. It's whatever now, I'll probably end up covering it up later later.
But the ones I want are as follows.

On my chest across: Flowers. Different types of flowers. The birth flowers of my Mom, sister, my grandmas and my own. But I am debating on that. I might want something else there.

I want the word FEMINIST written somewhere on my body. The places I was thinking where my left arm (forearm), my right wrist or back of my neck.

I want lyrics too.

Hmm.
I need loads of money.
I also want a peace sign. I was thinking of putting that on outside of my wrist on my right arm.

But I want something big on my right arm.


Too many. My mother would say.

I get HIGH

On being creative.

and also vodka.

I'm mad at myself for smoking bud the other night. I was already drunk. Why did I need to push myself even more? 

I guess that is something I must think about.

Because it seems I am always chasing the next high.

I think I was more mad that I am looking for a job, thus I should not be smoking when possible employers might drug test me.

Then again, the rebellion part of me thinks, fuck it. I love the bud.

I do.

I like the way it makes me feel.

Which says a lot because I love having control over myself and when I smoke I lose all control.

What can I do?

I should have been a teenager in the 60's/70's

Or something.

Maybe I am a hippie deep inside

Nah. I am just free spirited.

good?

bad?

Yvodka.

found this old poem.

So I found this poem.Old poem from about three years ago. It's obvious how much I cared about the damn guy. The past is an amazing door.

Spread the ache he feels

Jeremy has no way to feel

He drugs and does too much

He's living dead, so young

But almost in debt with this life

To his God

He was so special

And now he's gone

Back off Misfit, You can not feel this kinda of Love.

So today is Tuesday. I'm watching something on tv. I finally got a hold of Joana! Her and MandyBlackberry are suppose to come down today. Now I'm just waiting on Mandy's text back, Joana say's she will try to come down. And if she doesn't come down, Mandy doesn't either. Well I hope those girls come down. Speaking of texting, Mandy the other night said something about me always texting and not calling people. And Joana said I should call like normal people. Haha. I realized that I don't really like talking on the phone, with anybody. I dont know why, maybe I've been traumatized by something, but wouldn't I remember it?

I miss my friends already. Joana, she's just so fucken awesome. Funny not wait Hilarious and random. I remember the first time I met her, I was dating Jedi and he took me to his spot during lunch and it was so awkward. Anyways Joana was the only person to come up tp me and talk to me. And that was it basically. We've been close friends since then. I've always felt bad for the way I treated her sometimes. When she was dating Andrew and he was a bitch to her and I would be mad at her for always ditching me for him. And hell, I let her know that. I could never forget the one time she came up to me (Andrew and Her had broken up) and she wanted to know if I wanted to have lunch with her. I was with my friends and I told her "No, you always ditched me for your boyfriend and now that he's not here , you want to hang with me." And she walked away. I felt like such an ass. But I felt like she needed to know. Recently she told me, she was glad I was so honest with her, because she realized how she was. But I could never get over how mean I was. The other night when we left Mandy's house, I was drunk and she was alright, we talked about our friendship and I remember just saying how we can not see each other for months and when we finally get together, it's like we had not spent time apart. I guess thats true badass friendship.

And Mandy, everyone needs a Mandy in their life. If you don't have one, I feel so sorry for you. I've know Mandy for a while during high school, but we rarely hung out. And there was drama with Juliana and her, not that she knew of it , HAHA. But whatever girls like Juliana are lame. Besides the point. It was my 19th birthday and Juliana, a girl who was suppose to be like one of my best friends, she never called me. It bummed me out a bit ya know? And then Mandy texts me , we meet up, I bring my vodka with us to her house. And basically , as I see it, she kinda threw me a mini party for my birthday. Before eveyone arrived, me and her were drinking and talking. And I did the one thing I never do. Opened up and talked about my dad. Now the only friend that knows is Joana. And it felt right to tell her, because she's a unique person that I knew I could trust. Besides that she just so much fun and chill. And we get along really well and and and she rules.

I think I'm running out of words.

P.s Love you guys!