Babies Babies and Babies?

So why am I so stressed about this trip to Stockton next month? Oh yeah, DYLAN. I am a list person sadly, I like writing list. I've written like 5 list so far and lost them all. I tend to lose things. I'm stressed over this 4-6 day trip in November. We are taking the train up there. Will be our first time traveling more than an hour away from home with Dylan. So much things to think about, bottles, diapers, enough clothes, etc etc.

On another note, I am having some problems with some older family members. Apparently they see my life now being about having babies, just because I have one child now. Before Dylan I was a no child person. I did not see my life with children. I love children, but at the time it did not seem like a likely choice for me. And Dylan happened, it was just that, he happened. Was not really planned and we were safe. Shit happens. Plainly. I love my son and would not change having him for the world. Do I want more children? We have talked about this and figured that in the next few years, we want to spend improving our lives, getting great jobs,and parenting Dylan. I had a c section with Dylan for serious medical reasons (I was on the verge of having hypertension and Dylan stopped growing in me at 36 weeks)and I am not sure I want to go through that again. It was painful and my body still has not fully recovered.

But I really try just to ignore there comments, theses are the same people who insist women need to know how to cook to get a man.

To Be or Not to Be?

Today my future husband and I had a major argument over the changing of my last name. I love my last name, it's my name. I understand his reasons to want me to change my last name to his, but when I say it out loud. It's weird for me. I think I am afraid of losing my identity with the name change. I actually do like his last name, but Salazar is all I know. He also told me that changing my last name will show him I love him, I then went on to say isn't a baby enough? Ha Ha I was trying to give him a hard time. I know he means well,he suggested a compromise, by hyphenating. I am still not sure. What would you do?

Almost Perfect

By Brian Katcher

I started it around 8 last night and finished by 11, had a few breaks in between. I have no yet read a book about a transgender teenager until now. It was amazing great.

Here is a summary of the book :

After a painful breakup with the only girl he ever loved, senior Logan Witherspoon is gun-shy when it comes to romance. New girl Sage, however, makes him reconsider, even though she makes it clear early on that she can’t offer anything more than friendship, and even though her parents keep her under strange and severe strictures. When Logan and Sage find their attraction rising, she tells him her secret: she was born male. Katcher, author of Playing With Matches, manages a delicate balance here: Sage is utterly credible and utterly sympathetic, but so are Logan’s shock and reservations. His narration explores the emotional issues—does this mean he’s gay? Can he face his small Missouri town if people know?—while the story conveys the daunting details of Sage’s everyday realities, such as going to great lengths to avoid showing her driver’s license, which classifies her as male. Though the book is programmatic at times and gives Logan too much responsibility for Sage’s well-being and identity, this is a solid, reality-based exploration of transgender issues and the possibly insurmountable task of facing them as a teenager in a small town. While transgender readers will find support here, the book’s focus on a bystander broadens the book’s relatability, and the message of acceptance is thoughtfully conveyed.



It was an enjoyable reading.

Degrading one another to get the guy.

Why do females do this? What is so impressive about degrading another female? Does it really get you the guy? Freely I admit to doing this in my past. I liked a guy, my best friend was prettier then me, so I talked her down. Called her names. Did it really help me get the guy? After a couple of years of maturing I realize, not only are you degrading someone else, but also yourself. How do YOU look talking about someone else? Bad mouthing does not look good on anything.

It seems in the GIRL WORLD. Men are always the center of cat fights. Have you ever noticed another girl, you don't know, looking you up and down? Have you caught yourself judging another women as soon as she walks through the door?

Society has pinned us against each other when we should be fighting along side for our rights.

And one way we can support each other, is by stop calling each other SLUTS. WHORES. BITCHES.

Instead of getting mad at the girl ONLY for cheating with your bf/husband/partner, what about the man? Did he not cheat? Let's not the mean get away with that, lets not punish only the women.

I am rambling on and can not seem to put the words I want together. Manly because Dylan is screaming murder in the next room.

Hopefully you can somewhat understand what I was babbling about.

Bye for now!

I feel shame

Whenever I think of this moment. Riding the bus home. Hearing some bigot man degrading a gay couple at the back of the bus. I suppose they disgusted him so much he just had to move. He made his way to the front and sat by me. I felt dirty to even be close to him and I remember getting up and walking to his empty sit in the back. Where I sincerely felt safer sitting next to the couple. The bus was full and not one person said anything, including me, to the man. I was a little scared of him, he looked crazy. But I did tell the couple something. I apologized for his behavior and told them how they do not deserve that kind of shit. I just wish I was not the only one. I remember crying when I found out Prop Hate was passed. My friend (straight) who was with me, told me why the hell was I crying. His words to me where " Who gives a fuck, at least you can marry" and I told him " Yeah but my best friend can't". I thought of my best friend O, not being able to at least have the option of marriage if he wanted to. I vowed that I would not get married until EVERYONE could. I still feel a little shame since I will be getting married, who knows how long California will take. Is my heart so naive ? Naive that I believe love is everything and it should not matter who you love. I guess so. But I'll run with it. During the whole Pro 8 debate before the election, I seriously lost friends because of it. A girl who I adored and enjoyed spending our lunch breaks with at work, stopped talking to me when I said I was against P8. When I try to argue that her best friend is homosexual, and why should she be married and not him. She said it's not natural. Love is not natural? I think its the most natural thing in the world.

I don't know, I am just ranting right now. It's late, Dylan and Stephen are asleep. I have too many thoughts in my head.

God.

I am posting this on here rather then Facebook, as I do not what to start some battle with members of my family. But this really upset me and I need to vent. Stephen wrote a post about there being no god. And a family member of mine reply, very much disagreeing with him and it went back and forth. And let me say, Stephen was not being rude at all. But I know this family member well, and I know she is very vocal and it seems a lot of the time, her way or no way. Stephen told her, she believes what she believes,and its a free country. She insisted that no matter what country there is a god and such. And she brought me in. Bad choice. She wrote that our grandma taught us about God and that he should ask his wife to be about it. Again Wrong choice. First off, I love Stephen regardless of our beliefs and such, we do disagree on somethings. I can not and do not want to change that about him. He believes what he believes and I truly respect that. Vice versa. Please never speak for me or drag me into an argument. I loved my grandma, she passed when I was 11. I can honestly barely remember that age and I have little but great memories of her. And not one was about her teaching me about God. And that's okay. I understand where my family member was coming from, my grandma helped raised them. We moved to ontario when I was in six grade and moved back after she passed. I respect my grandma's love for God, because I know she is with her God. I just felt like said FM was trying to get me to change Stephen's belief, when that is not my job. And then she brought Dylan in it, saying that she just wants to make sure I teach him about God because if I don't I am held responsible. Responsible for what? I don't understand. Will I be damned to hell? Because I have already been told I damned Dylan to hell because he was born out of wedlock. Whatever God is out there, I truly do not believe will damn my innocent sweet little boy.

I am confident that Dylan will grow up and believe what he wants to. I will teach him about all kinds of things and he can decide what he wants to take from all that.
But with someone like me, you can not push something on me . I am a rebel at heart, always have been. I don't think I will be able to "grow" out of it. I will come around, on my own time and my own terms with my own beliefs.

I feel trapped in the world of Weddings

I desperately feel like I am selling out. Feminist shame. but why couldn't I be a femmie and married? I doubt all feminist feel marriage is anti feminist, because feminist (at least this one) are not man hating. Such a misconception. I hate somethings men do to women, but I do not hate the male species. I love my son and future husband, because he understands my beliefs and my son because I will definitely teach him all my feminist ways. In which i will be thanked by his future wife or husband, which ever. As long as my son is a respectful, kind and tolerant and understanding human being, I can not ask for me. Speaking of that, I was asking what if Dylan got older and discovered he was gay (discovered because I firmly believe no one chooses to be gay,as I did not choose to be straight). I told them it simply would not matter to me. I would be scared for him, because even though it is the 21st century, people are still ignorant and homophobic. I would worry about his well being, but I would be supportive and I know Stephen would be. And I would be PROUD. Because my son would be brave enough to live his life. Which alot of people find hard to do.

I guess this post had nothing to do with weddings.

Listening to Ida Maria "Oh My God" hehe.

Night!

Picks of the Day. Music.

I do wish I had more time to listen to music,but I seem to never find time anymore. Taking care of a Five Month Boy, HAND FULL.

Here are some songs I truly enjoy.


No particular order.


Die On A Rope- The Distillers.
Brody's voice reminds me of a certain someone's voice, Raspy and all. (C.LOVE) So I am very attracted to her voice and it's catchy. Oh how I am a sucker for catchy tunes. "Tell me something, tell me stupid, will I die, will I die on a rope?"

This Town- Go Go's
"This town is our town .It is so glamorous . Bet you'd live here if you could
And be one of us" Go Go's where formed in LA. I think everybody in La, whether they admit it or not, have this attitude. I technically do not live in LA, but I feel the pride. Most days. And would not pick another place to live but the Los Angeles County. I live 15 outside of Hollywood. And when I do go there, this song always comes to mind.

By The Way- RHCP.
I think Anthony is a fox. Brilliant, beautiful soul. When my best friend and I would drive down to Hollywood Blvd , roaming down the streets, maybe get some pizza or hookah, I played this song."Standing in line to see the show tonight, And there's a light on
Heavy glow " my favorite line, reminds of when I went to shows in HW.

Asking for It- Hole
Start off by saying. Hole is my BAND, my ultimate band. This song is powerful and gives me chills. Always playing in my mind. "Was she asking for it? Was she asking nice? She was asking for it. Did she ask you twice?"

Crying -Roy Orbison
I loved this song since I was young. His voice was just soothing to me. When I do get a chance to listen to my Zune, this song plays." I thought I was over you, but it's true, I love you even more then I did before"

Beneath the Veil- Chester French
If I could sing , I would find a coffee house to sing this out. D.A = Young Johnny Cash. This band is very very versatile. "You know I’m scared .Scared straight to hell . Just hear my voice .And know I’m not well "


Run Baby Run - Garbage.
I remember seeing this albun (Bleed Like Me) at a record store and I listened to one track "Sex is not the Enemy" and I knew it would be a great album. So I bought it and this one is a favorite. "You can keep it pure on the inside. And you know what you believe to be right. So you're not gonna crack. No you're never gonna crack"



And those are my picks for today.
Night!